4 Everyday Hacks to Keep Your Relationship Strong and Happy

Relationships are hard work. It’s no secret. I’ve no doubt you’ve heard it before. Yes, they need attention, but it doesn’t have to feel like a chore. There really are easy, yet beneficial ways to keep your spark and maintain a happy, healthy partnership. Adding a few hacks to your everyday life is key to working towards a strong relationship.

Hi - I’m Ellie, a relationship coach. I’m on a mission to break the stigma surrounding relationship support. I want it to feel accessible and empowering for every couple to look after their partnership. And I want to make it fun and easy to do too! That’s what my modern relationship service, Coupld, is all about. Keeping your relationship happy and strong, way before cracks begin to appear.

How Can I Keep My Relationship Strong and Happy?

1. Communication, communication, communication

It’s all too easy to default to the same ol’ patterns of communication. Does anyone else fall into the trap of asking ‘How was your day?’ Every… Single… Day?! When we get into habits like this, we’re essentially working on autopilot. How much thought is really going into either the question, or the answer? Neither of you are getting much stimulation or connection. You’re letting an obvious, everyday opportunity to strengthen your relationship pass you by.

So get talking! Begin sharing your life with your partner…

But how? 

I don’t think it’s particularly easy to come up with questions, discussion prompts, or topics to share on the spot. But there are tools to help you. I personally love these question cards for having conversations we wouldn’t ordinarily have. 

Another way to prompt your own discussions is to think of some questions yourself, ahead of time. And the added bonus is that this method is completely free! I recommend you do this right now, in fact. 

You want to tell them all the important things happening in your life: your achievements, milestones, failures, thoughts, and feelings. So start there. What question could you ask to get the discussion going around each of those? Here’s a few ideas:

• What are you most proud of? (Achievement)

• What future milestone do you think about the most? (Milestones)

• How well do you think you cope with failure? (Failures)

• What’s been on your mind this week? (Thoughts)

• What do I do that makes you feel loved? (Feelings)

Now try writing your own questions for these topics on your notes on your phone (or steal these ones). Then, screenshot it and save it as your wallpaper or screensaver. Have a go at asking a new question each day for the next five days. Et voila! A quick and easy hack to remind you to dig deeper than ‘How was your day?’ 

Now, communication isn’t just asking questions and listening to answers. Good communication in your partnership involves a lot more than that. It is comprehending what your partner is saying and responding in a mutually constructive, helpful way. In my 12 month coaching programme (the Coupld Membership), we dedicate three 1:2 sessions on this topic alone. Together we unpick where your communication strengths lie as a couple; we identify growth areas and the tools to handle those; we consider what stops you from really hearing one another; and we figure out how best to describe your conflict style (amongst other activities!). You end up with greater awareness and a shared language around communication, developed in calm times, to be relied upon in tougher times. These effective communication skills will help you build a stronger connection with your partner, foster trust, and ensure that both of you are on the same page.

2. Finding the Small Moments

Let’s be honest. We’re all busy. Life is jam-packed. It can be really easy to become passing ships in the night. So how do you keep your relationship strong and happy when you’ve got ZERO time to spare? Well, rather than put pressure on yourselves to find the aforementioned large chunks of quality time - which might feel like a tall order right now - focus instead on finding small moments to connect throughout the day. Of course, quality time together is important, but for some, it can be hard to find. And we don’t want a kind of ‘perfect is the enemy of good’ situation. It’s okay if you can’t find regular date nights. Let’s be inventive about the tiny, easy things you can do instead. 

Analyse your routine. When are you physically in the same place? For example, perhaps you have a coffee, go to bed, eat a meal or exercise at similar times. How can you make more of those? I have clients who have coffee together each morning and complete a gratitude practice. I have another couple who end their work days with a drink on their balcony. It could be committing to one meal a day where you sit down together, without your phones. Or on Fridays you go for a stroll after lunch. On Sundays you do 15 minutes of yoga together. Bedtime is moved 5 minutes earlier so you can lie together and tell each other about the best part of your day. And at the very least, start a reunion ritual. Whenever you’re reunited, make it count as a moment to connect. A kiss or a hug will do!

3. Noticing the good

I can’t tell you how often I see couples slip into a tit-for-tat mindset. It starts with a minor annoyance. It builds into something resembling resentment. And before you know it, all you can see is the bad stuff. The mess he leaves behind in the kitchen. Her inability to keep track of her bank cards. The fact he’s oblivious to how much you’re doing around the house. Et cetera… 

Now, this might sound counterintuitive, and it’s probably the last thing you feel like doing, but try flipping the script. Try looking for the good instead. The things you appreciate about your partner. What they do for you and your life together. 

Unfortunately, we all suffer from negativity bias. Our brains are wired that way. It almost certainly gave us an evolutionary advantage at some point. But what it means for us now is that we’re much better at noticing and responding to bad stuff than good stuff.

To fight against the status quo of our mental functioning takes effort. After reading this, you won’t suddenly be able to start seeing all the wonderful things your partner does. (It’s a shame, I know). You’re going to have to be a bit more intentional about it. The good news is that once you start making it a habit, the easier it becomes. How do you make it a habit? My suggestion is to link it to an existing habit, such as brushing your teeth. Every time you brush your teeth, make a mental note of one positive thing your partner did that day. Perhaps you’d prefer to keep notes. That way you can refer to them in times of need. In which case, start a new note on your phone and whenever you [insert your own daily habit here] each day, write it down. More of a voice note kinda person? Do that instead!

Then it’s up to you whether you share them with your partner. But I would, if I were you. 

The emphasis in the work I do with couples is exactly this: noticing the good stuff. Every session I ask them to do a quick ‘warm-up’ activity which involves reflecting on what’s been going well. Whether the focus is on team work, gratitude or reminiscing about a happy memory - the aim is to get that spark back!

4. Recharge!

And lastly. You can’t pour from an empty pot. It’s hard to give much of yourself to anything if you don’t find time to recharge. Again, this doesn’t have to take up large chunks of your day. It could be as simple as sitting down with a warm drink and doing something mindless. I know lots of people (ahem, men!) who use going to the toilet for this exact purpose. They shut themselves in the bathroom for way longer than needed - in my humble opinion! For me, it’s having a shower or lying down with a book for 10 minutes. The only tip I have is to be explicit with your partner about this. Otherwise, you run the risk of them finding you unavailable when they’re attempting to connect with you. It also means they can support you in taking that time for yourself, if they know that’s what you’re doing! 

So, have a think now. What do you already do to get a little space? What does your partner do? Do you tell one another when you’re doing it? Do you let them know it’s what you need, perhaps ahead of spending time with them / socialising with others / playing with the children? Or even to decompress afterwards? Make it possible for you both to enjoy those moments, for the benefit of your relationship. You’ll be a more present and engaged partner as a result!

For more inspiration on how to keep your relationship strong and happy, sign-up to my monthly newsletter, the Coupld Bulletin. You’ll get a ‘Do-It-Right-Now Exercise’ to help you keep your relationship in tip-top shape, as well as links to cool (relationship) things I’ve read, listened to or seen.

Alternatively, follow me on Instagram @coupldco for more.